I'm actually in a good mood tonight. A bit tired..its been a long week, but not so bad really.
True I still have to get up an work again early tomorrow morning again. That is just for a while and then I can relax most of the rest of the weekend.
I need to make a serious effort to gather all my deductible info and get my taxes done this weekend. I do them online so its not like I have to go anyplace,its just a time consuming thing...REALLY time consuming. But it can be done.
Probably between that, working on and off and needing to do at least some laundry, I won't get to do much writing, which is what I'd rather be doing.
I keep telling myself I will have time to write later...and then later, I say later again...so much time passes. I have not written a decent poem in a while now, and I love to do that. Such a free form of expression for me... Hmm....
Wanting to understand so many things
Wishing I just knew how it will all work out.
I know that whatever happens is what was meant to be.
I no longer try so hard to control things,
but then I wonder if I let too many things just go
without my trying to anything about them.
Putting it off and knowing I shouldn't
That the time is not endless for this...
If I don't do what I know I should, I know
I will regret it later,
when it's too late.
I keep reminding myself
that if I don't reach out soon,
I will never be able to say things I really want to
in the time there is left.
I grew up loving the person he is
and he has withdrawn from everyone now.
I can only begin to understand just how he feels.
And yet, the thing that seems important to
to me now...is that I want him to know
just how loved and accepted he is.
I'm told he has already given up
and wants to let go...
but that's not the man I knew him to be.
He used care... it used to matter.
Friday, February 25, 2011
Sunday, February 20, 2011
just some thoughts...
So, I've spent some time lately, thinking about my mom.
Family relationships are always so hard to really grasp, on the surface they are simple, but take that cover off things and it becomes very complex. My relationship with my mom is hard for me to sort out. Has been for years now. I'm hoping to gain a little perspective by putting some of this out to read...
I am going to start with the way things are between she and I currently, given, of course, all from my perspective. I'm sure hers is quite different.
Less than a year ago I felt as if I needed to take action, when faced with a situation that involved my mother. I was living in a 2 bedroom apartment with she, my son and his fiance, who was about 8 months pregnant then.
Never mind the thought that we did not really have room for one more person in this apartment, we were going to try to make it work. Several months before that, in conversation with my mom, she had said she would move out to make room for us there with the new baby that was on the way. It had been discussed that she was the only one that smoked in the apartment. That I was sleeping on the couch and that, I had doubts that she really wanted to live in a home with a new baby..crying at night and at times throughout the day. In my view I saw her being not at all comfortable with the noise level, the nighttime hours that would be kept etc. Let alone the fact that she was unwilling to quit smoking. I KNEW, as she did, that smoking is not healthy around a baby, let alone any other non-smoker. So she had said she would move out. Months came and went and we did not see her even looking for a place to move to. We took it upon ourselves to start looking for her. To the point that we presented her with a couple of options one day. The result of that was that she blew up at me. Stormed out and was gone for about a week. This, conveniently at the beginning of the month when rent money was due. That left me to pay all of it... She came back about a week later, and was quiet, very quiet but still had no plan to move anyplace.
I was about as patient with the situation as I could be but I REALLY did not want my first grandchild born into a home where there was a smoker living, who had no intention of making sure she was not exposed to her second hand smoke.
The more my son and his fiance and I talked about it, the more we realized that, if she wasn't willing to move as she had said she was, then we needed to do it. We let the rest of another month go by. And then, again when the rent was due she left again, went to a friends out of town for a week... So that was two months in a row of not being willing to contribute to the rent where she lived. Her doing this for a second month in a row really made me angry. So much so that, as my soon to be daughter in law and I looked at apartments, we began to do so much more intently. We spent two days looking and then found a nice one in a good neighborhood. Put in an application, and by the next day, had been accepted. All of this while my mother was still out of town. We saw no reason to wait. We immediately began moving our belongings in to the new apartment.
I really had not wanted to discuss anything with her, but my sense of fair play won out and I called her where she was and told her. I know it made her mad but I felt it was what needed to be done. I told her we were moving, she asked when and I told her we were already in the process of packing and moving then. She didn't really say anything but I could tell she was upset...people you have been around their whole lives, you just know...
She came back on my last night at the old place. She came in late and asked me maybe one question, and then in the morning while she was still sleeping, I left.
It left her on her own to decide what she was going to do then. She knew she couldn't afford that place alone. I cared, but then, I didn't. She had created the situation, she had just not done anything about it. It was not something I could feel sorry for her about.
Ultimately, she and her friend found a place out of town and she moved away. I haven't seen her since. I speak to her on the phone but that's it.
There was a lot of anger on her part as I came and did cleaning and made arrangements for someone to take my cat that was still there (I couldn't bring him to the place I had moved to), to the point where I tried hard to avoid her in the time she was still there after I had moved out. Her words were angry and accusing and I didn't want to bother with any of it.
As she eventually found a place to move to and did so, time seems to have calmed things a bit between she and I. I never spoke angry words to her in this situation, but I was angry. Angry that she couldn't put her first great grandchild's needs first, as I was willing to do. That something like smoking meant so much to her she was unwilling to stop to protect the health of that baby. And that because of that, I felt like she forced my hand and making a change that she really did not like.
She complained about noise, living with her grandsons and I throughout the time we did live together. And she was unwilling to do anything about it herself.
My view had been that she was getting older, and her grandsons were young men with lives and friends and they did not have a bed time like she needed. I just felt she would be better off not living with us.
So, where does it leave my relationship with her now? I can't answer that from her perspective, only my own.
There are a lot of things I don't miss about her, but then just basic companionship I do miss a bit at times.
I'm sad she has never come down to meet her great granddaughter yet, and she is just over six months old now. When I speak to her on the phone she tells me very little about her life now. She asks me all about mine and comments on it in ways that have always irritated me, judging tone of voice and saying negative things that she does not see can hurt others. Not as bad as she had been just before I moved, but I still get that from her and I still don't like it.
I honestly think my actions surprised my mother. She, I think, had me pegged as someone who would never do anything to hurt her intentionally. That she could do whatever she wanted and I would, even if I wasn't okay with it, would put up with it and she would have her way. She was used to that, having her way. She is quiet and secretive about her feelings, what she does a lot of the time. And there are a lot of things about her that are a mystery to all of her children. But we love her just the same. I know I am not alone in wanting to understand my mother better, I think all four of us, my two brothers, my sister and myself, all want to.
We don't understand the choices she makes and why she is the way she is.
I do understand that I forced her to make a change that made her feel insecure, in a life that I had let her feel secure for a long period of time, but it was at my own expense, money and my own life and comfort. She has to have felt that I did not leave her a choice in the situation. Basically, she had choices but it was the fact that she actually had to make one, and change her living situation that was the real problem for her and that caused her to be angry with me. She moved, as I knew she would, some had wondered if I was leaving her homeless in what I had done. She has not changed anything else really about her life. Still smokes, spends money on her gambling habit and wants to borrow money from others for the important things, money she would have if she made better choices.
I cannot discuss money issues with her, she gets very angry with me. Because of that, I don't feel as if I would be the one to talk to her about anything of substance to help her or to try to understand the way she is.
I know she grew up in a generation where a person's problems were not discussed, were hidden away and not face or dealt with. She learned that from her parents, who slept in separate bedrooms, and barely spoke to each other, and who divorced as soon as she moved out.
I know I had to have made her feel unsure of herself in all of this. I know from my brothers that she is not happy where she is now, and in the living situation she is in, although both were her choice this time.
I would love to understand what drives her, how she thinks and what she really wants out of life and why. But I honestly don't think I ever will. She has a hard time being honest about important things that she thinks will make her look bad in someone else's view. So much so that she would rather lie than face an unpleasant truth in any situation. I really don't understand wanting to take things from others rather than having the pride of being able to do for myself, that she seems to have.
As I said, this is all from my perspective. I really don't believe, given a chance, she would provide her perspective to most of this, other than to place blame on someone other than herself.
I don't regret my choices in the situation. I have a beautiful granddaughter who I love with all my heart and she is in a safe, healthy home. My bottom line was that was what was the most important thing. Giving her a good start on her new life.
Family relationships are always so hard to really grasp, on the surface they are simple, but take that cover off things and it becomes very complex. My relationship with my mom is hard for me to sort out. Has been for years now. I'm hoping to gain a little perspective by putting some of this out to read...
I am going to start with the way things are between she and I currently, given, of course, all from my perspective. I'm sure hers is quite different.
Less than a year ago I felt as if I needed to take action, when faced with a situation that involved my mother. I was living in a 2 bedroom apartment with she, my son and his fiance, who was about 8 months pregnant then.
Never mind the thought that we did not really have room for one more person in this apartment, we were going to try to make it work. Several months before that, in conversation with my mom, she had said she would move out to make room for us there with the new baby that was on the way. It had been discussed that she was the only one that smoked in the apartment. That I was sleeping on the couch and that, I had doubts that she really wanted to live in a home with a new baby..crying at night and at times throughout the day. In my view I saw her being not at all comfortable with the noise level, the nighttime hours that would be kept etc. Let alone the fact that she was unwilling to quit smoking. I KNEW, as she did, that smoking is not healthy around a baby, let alone any other non-smoker. So she had said she would move out. Months came and went and we did not see her even looking for a place to move to. We took it upon ourselves to start looking for her. To the point that we presented her with a couple of options one day. The result of that was that she blew up at me. Stormed out and was gone for about a week. This, conveniently at the beginning of the month when rent money was due. That left me to pay all of it... She came back about a week later, and was quiet, very quiet but still had no plan to move anyplace.
I was about as patient with the situation as I could be but I REALLY did not want my first grandchild born into a home where there was a smoker living, who had no intention of making sure she was not exposed to her second hand smoke.
The more my son and his fiance and I talked about it, the more we realized that, if she wasn't willing to move as she had said she was, then we needed to do it. We let the rest of another month go by. And then, again when the rent was due she left again, went to a friends out of town for a week... So that was two months in a row of not being willing to contribute to the rent where she lived. Her doing this for a second month in a row really made me angry. So much so that, as my soon to be daughter in law and I looked at apartments, we began to do so much more intently. We spent two days looking and then found a nice one in a good neighborhood. Put in an application, and by the next day, had been accepted. All of this while my mother was still out of town. We saw no reason to wait. We immediately began moving our belongings in to the new apartment.
I really had not wanted to discuss anything with her, but my sense of fair play won out and I called her where she was and told her. I know it made her mad but I felt it was what needed to be done. I told her we were moving, she asked when and I told her we were already in the process of packing and moving then. She didn't really say anything but I could tell she was upset...people you have been around their whole lives, you just know...
She came back on my last night at the old place. She came in late and asked me maybe one question, and then in the morning while she was still sleeping, I left.
It left her on her own to decide what she was going to do then. She knew she couldn't afford that place alone. I cared, but then, I didn't. She had created the situation, she had just not done anything about it. It was not something I could feel sorry for her about.
Ultimately, she and her friend found a place out of town and she moved away. I haven't seen her since. I speak to her on the phone but that's it.
There was a lot of anger on her part as I came and did cleaning and made arrangements for someone to take my cat that was still there (I couldn't bring him to the place I had moved to), to the point where I tried hard to avoid her in the time she was still there after I had moved out. Her words were angry and accusing and I didn't want to bother with any of it.
As she eventually found a place to move to and did so, time seems to have calmed things a bit between she and I. I never spoke angry words to her in this situation, but I was angry. Angry that she couldn't put her first great grandchild's needs first, as I was willing to do. That something like smoking meant so much to her she was unwilling to stop to protect the health of that baby. And that because of that, I felt like she forced my hand and making a change that she really did not like.
She complained about noise, living with her grandsons and I throughout the time we did live together. And she was unwilling to do anything about it herself.
My view had been that she was getting older, and her grandsons were young men with lives and friends and they did not have a bed time like she needed. I just felt she would be better off not living with us.
So, where does it leave my relationship with her now? I can't answer that from her perspective, only my own.
There are a lot of things I don't miss about her, but then just basic companionship I do miss a bit at times.
I'm sad she has never come down to meet her great granddaughter yet, and she is just over six months old now. When I speak to her on the phone she tells me very little about her life now. She asks me all about mine and comments on it in ways that have always irritated me, judging tone of voice and saying negative things that she does not see can hurt others. Not as bad as she had been just before I moved, but I still get that from her and I still don't like it.
I honestly think my actions surprised my mother. She, I think, had me pegged as someone who would never do anything to hurt her intentionally. That she could do whatever she wanted and I would, even if I wasn't okay with it, would put up with it and she would have her way. She was used to that, having her way. She is quiet and secretive about her feelings, what she does a lot of the time. And there are a lot of things about her that are a mystery to all of her children. But we love her just the same. I know I am not alone in wanting to understand my mother better, I think all four of us, my two brothers, my sister and myself, all want to.
We don't understand the choices she makes and why she is the way she is.
I do understand that I forced her to make a change that made her feel insecure, in a life that I had let her feel secure for a long period of time, but it was at my own expense, money and my own life and comfort. She has to have felt that I did not leave her a choice in the situation. Basically, she had choices but it was the fact that she actually had to make one, and change her living situation that was the real problem for her and that caused her to be angry with me. She moved, as I knew she would, some had wondered if I was leaving her homeless in what I had done. She has not changed anything else really about her life. Still smokes, spends money on her gambling habit and wants to borrow money from others for the important things, money she would have if she made better choices.
I cannot discuss money issues with her, she gets very angry with me. Because of that, I don't feel as if I would be the one to talk to her about anything of substance to help her or to try to understand the way she is.
I know she grew up in a generation where a person's problems were not discussed, were hidden away and not face or dealt with. She learned that from her parents, who slept in separate bedrooms, and barely spoke to each other, and who divorced as soon as she moved out.
I know I had to have made her feel unsure of herself in all of this. I know from my brothers that she is not happy where she is now, and in the living situation she is in, although both were her choice this time.
I would love to understand what drives her, how she thinks and what she really wants out of life and why. But I honestly don't think I ever will. She has a hard time being honest about important things that she thinks will make her look bad in someone else's view. So much so that she would rather lie than face an unpleasant truth in any situation. I really don't understand wanting to take things from others rather than having the pride of being able to do for myself, that she seems to have.
As I said, this is all from my perspective. I really don't believe, given a chance, she would provide her perspective to most of this, other than to place blame on someone other than herself.
I don't regret my choices in the situation. I have a beautiful granddaughter who I love with all my heart and she is in a safe, healthy home. My bottom line was that was what was the most important thing. Giving her a good start on her new life.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
yea I know....
I haven't been around much lately...not that I haven't wanted to be... Work has been all-consuming lately, I've started working weekends, and in the evenings, by the time I'm done, I want to escape my computer.
Life has been interesting and normally I wouldn't mind posting it all here but, something tells me I shouldn't.
I have ideas of where to take "Pieces" as well, just not the time or energy to do it, lately.
My taxes still need to be done too, more than likely I will get to that sooner than just about anything else I have actually wanted to do...just because its something I really need to do.
I haven't called my mom at all since just after new year's day. I think my brother is trying to make me feel guilty about that...a little anyway. My mom gives people that call the "oh nobody loves me" bit when someone hasn't called in a week or two(or even when they do) if she thinks it will gain her some sympathy. My reasons are simple, the one stated above and the fact that I have been able to spend less energy on drama, she seems to feed on that....She will make something out of nothing...I'd rather the nothing, more relaxing. kwim?
I really wish I had the time to write more often, that is another relaxing thing for me. Helps me let go of my day, and I've had some doozies lately... oh well maybe this weekend I will give it another shot.
Life has been interesting and normally I wouldn't mind posting it all here but, something tells me I shouldn't.
I have ideas of where to take "Pieces" as well, just not the time or energy to do it, lately.
My taxes still need to be done too, more than likely I will get to that sooner than just about anything else I have actually wanted to do...just because its something I really need to do.
I haven't called my mom at all since just after new year's day. I think my brother is trying to make me feel guilty about that...a little anyway. My mom gives people that call the "oh nobody loves me" bit when someone hasn't called in a week or two(or even when they do) if she thinks it will gain her some sympathy. My reasons are simple, the one stated above and the fact that I have been able to spend less energy on drama, she seems to feed on that....She will make something out of nothing...I'd rather the nothing, more relaxing. kwim?
I really wish I had the time to write more often, that is another relaxing thing for me. Helps me let go of my day, and I've had some doozies lately... oh well maybe this weekend I will give it another shot.
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