Just because...

So, just a random evening. Not really much going on tonight but I'm here anyway.  After all, I did say I would come back more often than I have been.

I could go into how my day was, whats new here and there, who is doing what etc.  But, I'm not really into it right now. So, skipping it. 

For a while now, I have been thinking about the things I write, fiction I mean.  Well, I start on different stories and I don't finish them. Usually.  I have wondered why that is. The conclusion I came to is simply that it IS fiction.  And if I don't really care about it, why would anyone else? I get an idea and I start on it and then I lose interest or run out of ideas of where to take it.  So it fizzles and I leave it there to die.

I have thought for a while now that maybe I should go in a different direction with what I write.  I know my poetry comes out good, when I feel creative enough to sit down and write it. Which isn't very often lately. 

So, what about nonfiction.  I know that I have told stories about my life to people only to have them tell me they were not true, couldn't be. Maybe its the perspective I tell it from, I'm not sure. But, what is, is.

Maybe I should start off with just a little of the basics...

I'm pushing 50, single and I have two adult sons, one married and one not.  I'm a grandma, and to me that granddaughter of mine is the most wonderful thing in the world.
Am I happy with my life?  That's a good question, really.  Worth taking a look at.
I have a lower back problem. I injured it about 6 years ago at a job that I am no longer working at, for a store that no longer exists. But the pain is still here everyday regardless.  I'm overweight, out of shape. I work at home on my computer and I don't exercise enough. Well, hardly at all really. Other than that I am comfortable with my life, a bit lonely sometimes, but comfortable still.

Most of the time I'm not really honest with myself about these things. I can tell myself I should do more for myself but I seem to dread the effort. Or, I can tell myself I should do things and I procrastinate and they don't get done, or they get done at the last minute. I'm not even sure why that is.
So if I'm not really honest with myself about most things in my life, why is that?  Who am I hurting by not admitting what my needs are, or problems that I should be addressing but am not? Here, discussing it on my blog that's easy to admit. The only person I hurt is me.  Which, if you know me, makes perfect sense.  I've struggled for years with my view of myself, and my self worth.  So much I don't like and yet I do nothing to try to change it as I should.  Just hasn't seemed worth the effort.

Do I see myself as a bad person? No, not really. I try to be nice to people, in hopes that it comes back around to me someday and they will be nice to me.  Even if just in some small way.  I think I care more about other people than I do myself. Which is a pretty backwards way of thinking but, there it is anyway. I care about if my sons have a roof over their heads, so  much so that I've continued to provide one for them, if needed, into their adulthood.  Maybe because I want to be able to have someone do a kindness for me as I get older, if I need it. Sometimes I wonder if they even notice it, or if they are just taking it for granted that I will always be there and will do for them, if they can't seem to do for themselves. I've been there, I was homeless for a while when they were little kids and I don't ever want to go back to that again. 

I take an interest in other people, if they need comforting or advice I offer it. There is something I really need to learn to draw the line about though.  Who am I to offer advice to people about how to make their lives better?  No matter how well meaning it is, I need to do more for me first.

I've got a decent place to live in, even though I pay too much for it.  I've got the basic things I need in life, even though I am the only person that pays for them, and I share them with 4 other people. So, I'm broke all the time despite working hard to earn plenty of money each month. That is something I could change, should change but I've got the boys, I think about them first when I really shouldn't. If I decided to up and move to where I want to be, a place I can afford with money left over each month, then what? If they didn't come with me...I would just be more lonely. But would they think me selfish for doing it? That I'm not sure about.

I would love to be able to not be down to my last dollar near the end of every month.  I pay all my bills, but carry a balance on two credit cards that I would be very happy to wipe out.  Do I know a way out of the current situation I'm in now? Not sure. It takes money to move...money I don't have right now.  Could I borrow it and pay it back later...maybe, I haven't asked anyone but I could when I feel like I'm ready to do that.

What would my life be like if I could change everything and do what I wanted to do? 
I would move to someplace less expensive. Start socking away money so I could retire some day.  So why do I sit here and write about it instead of just doing it?  Maybe because I'm not sure of myself. I don't want to end up alone. That is one of the things that scares me, if I really think about it that is, I try not to.

So, all in all I'm not a bad person, sometimes I just feel like I'm in things over my head and maybe it would be better if I were to just simplify my life some.
The pain I have in my back, well I really don't have an answer to that, but I haven't really looked either. I have gone on the assumption that since I don't have health insurance, and can't afford any, then I don't really have too many options of what to do for it.

Maybe someday I will find the courage to change these things.  Maybe, if I write about it long enough, often enough, I can convince myself I'm worth that too.  I try hard to be accepted and I take it to heart when I'm not.  I care, I have kind thoughts and really, where does that get me?

I'm going to leave this here for now. Will reread it next time and maybe add to it. Or, maybe not. Who knows.