That evening in my room I was not disturbed at all by Gabe. Maybe he was busy unpacking or something, I didn't check on him at all so I really don't know what he did while I was hiding away in my room. I wanted to think that he had just settled in and relaxed and hadn't thought about me, and what I was doing locked in my room
The next morning I got up for work and when I came out Gabe was still asleep. Not sure of his work schedule, I did not disturb him. I had breakfast and got out the door before he was up at all. Not a thought as to my collection while I was gone. He didn't know it existed so how could he look for it? Why would he? My day was a normal one, as normal as I could have, anyway. I just had no thought that anything could be wrong. I should have though.
By the time I got home that evening, with three more pieces of paper to add to my collection, Gabe was there in the living room, he had the tv flipped on and was settled on the couch watching some odd thing or another. I didn't really look at it. He looked up at me and said "Hey." when I came in. I said hey back to him. He went back to his show and nothing else was said at that point. I looked around, he had cleaned up the apartment while I was at work. It looked nice, he had done the things I had not done in the last few weeks, like vacuuming the living room, and mopping the kitchen floor. He was into his show so I didn't say anything to him at that point. I made a mental note to thank him later for it.
He had not made anything for dinner, as I said before, cooking was not his thing. So, I got some quick stuff out of the cabinets and whipped up something in a fairly short amount of time and told him, "Dinner is served." He looked up and smiled. And we sat down to a good dinner. Nothing much was really said while we ate. I figured this was his way of settling in and still letting me have the space he knew I was used to. He commented that dinner was good and he said thank you to me for it. I nodded back to him in return. Letting him know it was all good. We put our dishes in the sink afterwards and he told me to leave them, he would take care of them tonight, it was the least he could do.
As usual, I had some pieces of paper in my pocket that I had collected throughout the day, really only two for today, but they were waiting for me. I wanted to get to them. Look them over and see where they fit in my collection. I didn't say anything to Gabe as I headed towards my room, but he spoke up as I approached my door.
"Hey, was hoping you could hang out here tonight. Wanted to talk a bit and maybe we could watch a movie. I could use the company about now." he said to me then.
I sighed, not too much so but enough that maybe I could make the excuse that I was tired and just wanted to take a nap or something, anything to get into my room and take out my collection.
Gabe, I get it, I said, you've been alone for a while, but I'm beat tonight. Let me take a rain check?" I said to him. He didn't answer for a minute or two, maybe considering what he wanted to say.
"Yea, ok. I had assumed that was what it was last night, you were tired. But then your light was on in your room till late. And I know you don't sleep with the light on, you never have in your whole life. You make a habit of it and I may take it personally, like you don't want me here or something."
I told him then, again, that he was welcome here, for as long as he wanted or needed to be here. But, I also told him, sometimes I was going to want my space still too, it was what I was used to here. He conceded, "Well ok, maybe tomorrow night we can go to a movie or something then." I didn't really reply, just sort of nodded and went into my room, closed the door and locked it behind me. I let out a really big sigh then. Was this what it was going to be like every time I wanted to go to my room and be alone?
I lost myself after that, going through the papers and my notebook again. Really, that is the best way to describe it, lost myself... when I was there with those pieces nothing else seemed to exist. Nothing else was in my thoughts. I hadn't really thought about it before then, but I started to realize just how all-consuming this really was. I heard a rustling outside my door, in the hall. and the light came on out there, I saw the dark shadows of someone walking by my bedroom door. They stayed there for a minute and then moved away.
It was then that I realized that Gabe was probably really wondering what I was doing in my room. Not that he thought, as I had said, that I was just tired. But that because my light was still on in my room, he knew something was going on in here. I was going to have to protect my secret very carefully now. If he got to wondering he would not just stop anytime soon. That night before I went to bed, late again, I bagged up my collection and put it in the back of my closet, instead of the dresser drawer it had been in the night before. Less chance Gabe would be in there than in my dresser drawers. I'm not sure why I thought that but I did. Really, I still figured Gabe would not invade my privacy in my room.
The next morning when I got up Gabe was already up and dressed for work. He really didn't say much to me as he had his coffee and got ready to leave for the day. I told him to have a good day, on his way out the door. For a minute, I debated calling in sick today, so I could be home alone while Gabe was gone all day. I wanted to, but thought better of it when I remembered there was a deadline for a project I was on at work. Without another thought of it I got myself ready and left for the day also. I had no idea what Gabe's work schedule was, so I did not know he would be home a couple of hours before me that evening.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Eh, maybe later....
I was thinking..if I were to make a list of all the things I have put off doing lately...1 it would be a long list and 2 I don't feel like doing it right now. Maybe I will get around to it later. Besides, it just reminds me of all the inactivity in my life and the fact that I procrastinate way too much already, why add making myself feel guilty on top of that? Naa, I will pass.
Been surfing around and reading some funny blogs tonight and that is good stuff. Such an education one can get that way. All the little known facts of the world that you can't find anyplace else. Gotta love it, great entertainment for someone who is putting off doing more important things. But hey, I work all day and today was a bear of a day...why would I want to work on more in my little bit of free time? I don't, really.
Some of the things I put off are important, some aren't so much but are just things I really should do....like sending my mom pictures of her 1st great grandchild. Maybe that would be more of a priority for me if she made an effort on her end...baby is 7 months old now and she hasn't come to see her once yet. So it gets put on me to send pics instead. To the point that my brother even bugs me to do it... part of me really wants to just say, well grab a disposable camera and come for a visit...get all the pics you want. But save me the hassle of doing it all for you, as usual. Maybe that's what this is about, not wanting to do things for her anymore, as I had for years until I got fed up with the whole situation with her. Hell, if it's actually important to her she could get up from her bingo seat and spend the money on gas to come here instead....@@ Maybe I'm being mean, I don't know but I don't feel like it.
I find I am becoming very selective in my priorities these days. By the time I finish working I'm tired most days and don't want to HAVE to do anything at all. Id rather lay around and watch TV or listen to internet radio and just relax...no pressure. Except that I keep putting off stuff that is important too, and eventually it's going to stress me out, like it always does when I procrastinate for too long on things. I keep telling myself, I will do X thing this weekend...and then the weekend comes and goes without my even glanced at it yet.
I really need to just stop screwing around and get to at least some of these things that I refuse to list here.
Maybe this weekend....
Been surfing around and reading some funny blogs tonight and that is good stuff. Such an education one can get that way. All the little known facts of the world that you can't find anyplace else. Gotta love it, great entertainment for someone who is putting off doing more important things. But hey, I work all day and today was a bear of a day...why would I want to work on more in my little bit of free time? I don't, really.
Some of the things I put off are important, some aren't so much but are just things I really should do....like sending my mom pictures of her 1st great grandchild. Maybe that would be more of a priority for me if she made an effort on her end...baby is 7 months old now and she hasn't come to see her once yet. So it gets put on me to send pics instead. To the point that my brother even bugs me to do it... part of me really wants to just say, well grab a disposable camera and come for a visit...get all the pics you want. But save me the hassle of doing it all for you, as usual. Maybe that's what this is about, not wanting to do things for her anymore, as I had for years until I got fed up with the whole situation with her. Hell, if it's actually important to her she could get up from her bingo seat and spend the money on gas to come here instead....@@ Maybe I'm being mean, I don't know but I don't feel like it.
I find I am becoming very selective in my priorities these days. By the time I finish working I'm tired most days and don't want to HAVE to do anything at all. Id rather lay around and watch TV or listen to internet radio and just relax...no pressure. Except that I keep putting off stuff that is important too, and eventually it's going to stress me out, like it always does when I procrastinate for too long on things. I keep telling myself, I will do X thing this weekend...and then the weekend comes and goes without my even glanced at it yet.
I really need to just stop screwing around and get to at least some of these things that I refuse to list here.
Maybe this weekend....
Tuesday, March 8, 2011
other stuff
Every time I come back here I feel like I really should get over here and post more often. It relaxes me and helps me focus, sometimes anyway. And I enjoy the other blogs I follow as well.
I was thinking about my day today...it was a pretty busy work day and I stayed late to finish everything up.
On a daily basis I wonder about people, their motives, their changing moods, the way they deal with the many things that come up in a day at the place I work. Maybe because we only talk via Instant messages, (we all work remotely from different parts of the country) On rare occasions we call each other or text. But, just from online conversations and emails mostly, how do you really know what someone thinks? You don't get the tone of their voice, their body language or their facial expressions this way. It can be tough to figure out sometimes.
There are days where I feel like I have to try too hard. At everything. Seems like no matter what I do, there is one gal who wants to blame me for everything, even things I had nothing to do with, or that I had no control over. And yet, I wonder if it is because I try too hard that this gal doesn't like me? Or at least she seems like she doesn't like me. Regardless of what is really the case. I have renewed my resolve to just do the best I can and mind my own business wherever possible at work. The less I get involved in what someone else has done, or not done, I think the better off I will be. Kinda like the do my job and keep my mouth shut kinda thing really. And hope that works. Who knows.
Just one of the daily things that happens that I need to figure out how to navigate safely through.
I am so into wanting to just sit down and write again lately. My problem is that every time I start a story, and come back to it later to do more, I don't feel like writing about that thing anymore. At least, that is the way it happens a lot. There are times when I can go back to what I was writing but I guess usually it's just that the novelty of the idea has worn off when I leave it for a while and then come back to it. And yet, Id still rather be writing than working, or most anything else really.
There are a lot of of things about me that I don't tell people. Not many know how much I like to write, because I don't do it very often, and when I do, I rarely share it with anyone. Maybe that's why I like the blog thing here. I'm me and I can do or say what I want, and no one knows who I am. Dare I say it, but I don't even have any followers here, and I kinda like that because it frees me to write whatever I want. Couple days ago I saw online someplace that there is a writing contest...I'd love to enter it. Eerie Sci Fi or supernatural type stories is what they are looking for. My favorite genre. As much as I want to write something to enter, I find myself realizing I don't time to work on a piece right now, or really a solid full story idea for one. Inklings of ideas, in the thought stage yep, plenty of ideas there. But, nothing concrete that I can just start to work on. It's nice to dream, I guess.
I've told myself dozens of times over the years that I would love to stop my day job and just be a successful writer instead. I guess a lot of people have that same dream. It sounds so ideal to me. But I don't have a set discipline for it.
My blogs aren't funny stuff but that contradicts my personality really, I pick fun at a lot of things in life and can make people laugh when I want to.
I was thinking about my day today...it was a pretty busy work day and I stayed late to finish everything up.
On a daily basis I wonder about people, their motives, their changing moods, the way they deal with the many things that come up in a day at the place I work. Maybe because we only talk via Instant messages, (we all work remotely from different parts of the country) On rare occasions we call each other or text. But, just from online conversations and emails mostly, how do you really know what someone thinks? You don't get the tone of their voice, their body language or their facial expressions this way. It can be tough to figure out sometimes.
There are days where I feel like I have to try too hard. At everything. Seems like no matter what I do, there is one gal who wants to blame me for everything, even things I had nothing to do with, or that I had no control over. And yet, I wonder if it is because I try too hard that this gal doesn't like me? Or at least she seems like she doesn't like me. Regardless of what is really the case. I have renewed my resolve to just do the best I can and mind my own business wherever possible at work. The less I get involved in what someone else has done, or not done, I think the better off I will be. Kinda like the do my job and keep my mouth shut kinda thing really. And hope that works. Who knows.
Just one of the daily things that happens that I need to figure out how to navigate safely through.
I am so into wanting to just sit down and write again lately. My problem is that every time I start a story, and come back to it later to do more, I don't feel like writing about that thing anymore. At least, that is the way it happens a lot. There are times when I can go back to what I was writing but I guess usually it's just that the novelty of the idea has worn off when I leave it for a while and then come back to it. And yet, Id still rather be writing than working, or most anything else really.
There are a lot of of things about me that I don't tell people. Not many know how much I like to write, because I don't do it very often, and when I do, I rarely share it with anyone. Maybe that's why I like the blog thing here. I'm me and I can do or say what I want, and no one knows who I am. Dare I say it, but I don't even have any followers here, and I kinda like that because it frees me to write whatever I want. Couple days ago I saw online someplace that there is a writing contest...I'd love to enter it. Eerie Sci Fi or supernatural type stories is what they are looking for. My favorite genre. As much as I want to write something to enter, I find myself realizing I don't time to work on a piece right now, or really a solid full story idea for one. Inklings of ideas, in the thought stage yep, plenty of ideas there. But, nothing concrete that I can just start to work on. It's nice to dream, I guess.
I've told myself dozens of times over the years that I would love to stop my day job and just be a successful writer instead. I guess a lot of people have that same dream. It sounds so ideal to me. But I don't have a set discipline for it.
My blogs aren't funny stuff but that contradicts my personality really, I pick fun at a lot of things in life and can make people laugh when I want to.
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