Pieces, continured

I slept late on my days off, as a habit.  I figured it was my day to do with as I pleased.  I have started taking my phone off the hook to keep it from ringing and interrupting my concentration   I had stayed up late with my collection, again.

I had dreams about them. Little pieces of paper in multi-colors.  They were everywhere I went now. I dreamed that I found one big piece of paper. When I say big I mean really big, this one was over six feet tall and it had a menacing face drawn on it. Evil, dark eyes staring at me as I walked down a windy street.  This menacing paper accused, " you took them from me" over and over again as I tossed and turned in my bed.  After a while I awoke all tired and a bit stressed from the dream.  I could see that paper clearly still now that I was awake. The face drawn on it was accusing me, and it was angry.  I lay in bed thinking about this for a while.  That is, until I heard a noise out in the front room of my apartment.  I had been sleeping, hadn't invited anyone over or anything, and so, I figured maybe someone had broken in.  Not that i had much that anyone would find of worth, really, but the idea that someone was in here uninvited.

I got out of bed, pulled on my robe, and opened my bedroom door.  I peeked out of into the hallway.   I couldn't see anyone in the hall, but I distinctly heard noises from what I guessed to be the kitchen now.  When you're half awake you don't always think logically. And so, I began to panic, thinking I had an intruder.  I came out of my room and walked a couple of steps in my hallway towards the living room.  Trying to decide if I should say something or not. What could I say? I'm coming out now, don't hurt me?  I decided to just walk out and surprise whoever it was. If it turned out badly, it did.

I rounded the corner from my living room and went into the kitchen. And there, at the stove was my older brother, Gabe, with his back to me, cooking something.
"Hey" I said.
"Hey, sleepyhead" he says back. "Was wondering if you were ever going to get up, or what."
"Some people call me before they break into my place and start cooking my food." I said to him.
"Some people answer their phones when I call them asking if I can come over and hang out." he said, "yours was off the hook when I came in."
Of course, I had known it was.  I didn't want the phone to wake me while I was sleeping, so I had taken it off the hook just before I went to bed.
"What are you making me?" I asked, coming over to his side in front of the stove now.
"You were sleeping, I got hungry waiting for you to get up. So, I am having some eggs and toast.  I suppose you want some too?" Gabe looked at me with his please say no look.
"I'd love some," I said and smiled back at him.  He didn't answer this with words, just a heavy sigh, which I knew meant he was going to make what I wanted.

I wasn't really thinking about anything in particular now.  I went back to my room and found some clean clothes to put on and brushed my hair and washed my face.  By the time I had done these things there was a plate on the dining room table waiting for me.  Scrabbled eggs and toast with grape jelly.  Gabe was already eating his as I came in and sat down at the table.

"So what's new?" I asked him between bites.
For a minute or two he pushed his eggs around on the plate with his fork. Maybe considering what his answer should be.
"Going to be needing a place to crash for a while," he said, not looking up at me yet.
I considered him for a minute before I said anything.  I was waking up now and the very first thing that came to mind was my pieces of paper in the baggy in the desk drawer.   I really didn't want to share that with anyone, not yet anyway. If Gabe moved in how would I keep up with that?
"So what's the story? Thought you had a good job and a little place of your own now?" I said a couple minutes later.
"Yeah, I did, but the guy I'm renting from decided to sell the place so he is clearing us all out.  I still have my job but not enough money to afford a deposit on another place at this point.  I'm making it month to month and nothing left over after that." He still didn't look up at me yet.
I could tell he had had to swallow his pride to ask me if he could stay here for a while.  I really wanted to say it was okay. And yet, something, well okay, I knew what, stopped me from saying it.
"No other options?" I said instead.
Gabe did look up at me then, I guess surprised that I hadn't just accepted him in.  "No." was all he said.
I thought about it for another minute or so.  I supposed I could stash my collection and notebook in my room someplace and just have my private time in there with it. He didn't even have to know about it all.
Not even thinking about the fact that he would surely question me spending so much time in my room, I told him he could stay as long as he needed to.
So, we sat and ate a quiet breakfast. After which he got up and put our dishes in the sink and told me he was going back to his place to pack.

Gabe had stayed with me before, I guess that was how he knew to come ask me now, when he was in a fix. He knew I would take him in. I knew it was a hard thing for him to ask too. No guy liked to have to swallow his pride and ask to be given something so basic as this. It made him feel less than, like he couldn't take care of things himself.  He never had to say this to me, but I knew how it was.  Gabe had been down on his luck for years now.  His wife had left him for some other guy eight years earlier. The only good thing about that was there had been no children to fight over.  He loved her, and it hurt to see her go, but in his mind it was better that she was happy, even if he wasn't so happy without her. That's the kind of guy Gabe had been as long as I could remember. Always willing to sacrifice for someone else's good.

After Gabe left I took my collection and the notebook I had started for it, into my room and tucked it into a drawer out of sight.  I knew Gabe would not look through my drawers. He had more respect for other people's belongings than to do something like that.  I would just have to get used to spending a lot of time in my room for a while, if I wanted to spend time with what had now become a big part of my life.  I sat on the end of my bed and thought for a minute about all of this.  Not about how much time the collection had started to demand of my time, but of how I was going to manage it while Gabe lived here with me.  I had no idea how long he would be here, and I had to come up with a way for him to understand that I needed the time alone in my room without him bothering me if I was in here for a long time.  My collection consumed hours and hours of my time.

I didn't think about why that was, I had stopped trying to figure out what it was that drew me to it. I had just surrendered to it.  My collection now had 138 pieces to it, just about every color you could imagine, some that way from age and dirt and some it was just the color of the paper... I could no more tell you why I wanted all of them, than I could tell you why a man in China liked tea.  I just did.  I almost took it out and started looking then, just thinking about it. But, I realized that I had other things to do.  I had neglected laundry for too long and a room or two could use cleaning before Gabe came and settled in. He would wonder why there was a mess, he knew me to be a neat person, at least the me he knew.  Really how well does anyone know anyone else?  Sure we grew up together but as we grew up he had his little world and I had mine.  He went away to college, I didn't.  He eventually got married, I didn't.  We became different as we got older. 

I got up and started on the chores I had to do.  As I did them I thought about how nice it would be to show Gabe he was welcome.  He said he was broke, well I figured that a good dinner would be just the thing to cheer him up.   As it happened one of the things I had learned well, that he hadn't, when I grew up, was how to cook and to cook well.   As I folded clean clothes I decided on what to make for him that night.

Gabe came back about 3 hours after he had left.   He gave a brief knock before he came in the front door.   Even if it had been locked he could have come in, just as he had that morning while I was sleeping.  He had a spare key to my place, and I had always had a spare to his place. We did that just in case...but had never discussed what either of us figured the "just in case" actually was.  It had just been a good idea.  When he came in, I told him he didn't need to knock anymore. To make himself at home.   Then I told him had better figure on being here for dinner, I was cooking, and he had better be hungry.

Taking charge huh? he said with a bit of a smile on his face.
You know it.  When was the last time you had a good meal, man?"  I asked him.
He said something quietly about the diner down the street being pretty good when he went there.  But it didn't sound convincing to me at all.  He knew the company was better here anyway.
"What's on the menu tonight then?" he asked.
"Well," I said, "when was the last time you had a good steak?"  His face lit up and that was my answer.
"Okay, grilled steaks it is."  I said.
Gabe had been on a burger and fries type budget for too long, I though.  He knew better than to offer to help cook. He knew I was the better cook in the family and that I didn't like to share the kitchen when I did it.
I told him to settle in and I was going to the store.
The store I went to was only a couple blocks away, so I walked...picking up pieces of paper for my collection as I went. I found a total of 4 of them total going there and back on opposite sides of the streets each way.  I stuffed them into my pocket for later. But really, I didn't want to wait to get to them.

All during dinner, which Gabe really seemed to enjoy, I thought about them, I wanted to look them over more closely and document where and when they were found and each detail about them...then I would compare them to the others I already had.  I don't think I let on that anything was distracting me. I answered Gabe's every question without delay, and we had a long talk about the time when we went to Italy as teenagers.  There were some good memories there for both of us.  Gabe said that sometimes he wished he could have stayed there.  I knew without him saying so that the world had been a simpler place before we became adults and had so many things we needed to be responsible for all the time.  It had been the same for me too.  Italy had been the place we could just explore and not worry about making sure things were taken care of all the time. We did pretty much what we wanted then.

Gabe told me then how he had been for the last six months or so.  We hadn't talked to each other much in that time.  Me consumed with the collection, and my daily life suffering in the process, and he becoming depressed, lonely and finally getting a notice that he had to move out of his place. I had scarcely thought of him, let alone anyone else. All I had wanted to think about was my collection. And even still while I sat there talking to him, I felt like those pieces were burning a hole in my pocket, saying "Come on, take me out, look at me."  I resisted doing that pretty well really.  I wanted Gabe to see me as the same person he always had.
But deep inside, I knew I wasn't anymore.

I sat with him for what I thought was an appropriate amount of time that evening eating and talking and even for a bit after dinner. Then I made an excuse and went to my room and locked the door behind me.  I didn't think about what Gabe would think of my doing this, it was the furthest thing from my mind. I pulled my collection and note book out of the drawer, and put them on the bed.  Then I took out the four pieces I had found that day. I wrote down all the details about them that I could and I started to compare them to the rest of what I had collected, making little notes about them as I went.   Unaware of the passing of time. Unaware of anything but what I had before me. I could go in here and I would forget all about Gabe being in my living room or anyplace in my apartment.  I basically forgot about him while I was in here. In my own world again.

Pieces

I'm not really sure how it all started. I guess, one day there was just this piece of paper I found. The first of, I think, thousands. The first few I did not pay much attention to where I was really.  Didn't think it mattered much. But as I continued, I began to detail it all in a journal of sorts. What I found, and in great detail, a description of it. Where I was when I found it, what time of day and what day and all of those sorts of details.

Details, maybe that is what it was about all along.  I had a sense I was looking for something, without really knowing what that something was.

And so it began..

Walking down a quiet street, on the way to my favorite coffee shop, to meet up with Joey. Nothing important really, just relaxing time.  I had my warm jacket on, it was cold out.  I don't wear that jacket very often. I dug my hands deep into the pockets to warm them from the chill in the air.  At the bottom of my left pocket there was something there. I grabbed it between two fingers and pulled it out to have a look. A very worn white piece of paper, just a small corner of one really. No more than two inches across and the writing on it faded just enough that I had no idea what it had been originally that I would stick it in my pocket for later.... I stopped for a moment to look at it and then put it back into the same pocket. I forgot about it again for a time. Went about my daily life again for a bit and did not think about it at all. 

And then, about a week later, I was cleaning my closet out and I came across that same jacket. No big deal really but I pulled out that piece of paper from the bottom of that left pocket and sat down to look at it.  I suppose it mostly bothered me because I really did not know where it came from. No recollection at all of what it had been before it faded and why I had kept it.  Logically, I could have reasoned that it was just a scrap I had tossed in there instead of littering on some sidewalk or something.  Just the idea that I really did not know is what bothered me, I think.

Instead of putting this little white faded paper back into the pocket of my jacket again, or throwing it away, I decided to put it in a safe place and think on it some more. At some point it would come to me where I had gotten it and why I had kept it. I just felt there had to be a reason. So, I put it in a clear plastic baggy and sealed it in. This, I stuck in the bottom right drawer of my desk. Sort of out of sight, but I knew where it was. 

A few days went by, the usual stuff happening, going to and from work, eating and sleeping. Nothing really going on, just living.  On a Thursday I was at work in the morning. I went over to the printer in the side office near mine.  I had queued a set of documents I had been working on. And so, I was waiting for them to print out for me.  I leaned against the wall and stared out the window across the room. Not really looking but bored and just waiting.  Near me, the printer clicked and buzzed into life and so I figured it was my documents.  I looked at the printer and there beside it on the table was another piece of paper, this one smaller than a post it note, and a bright yellow. Not old at all, no folds or wrinkles in it.  I picked it up and looked at it, my printing forgotten for that moment. I turned it over in my hands, somehow liking the cool feel of it but not in any way I could explain if you had asked me to.  One side of this paper was blank but on the other I saw a small scribble in blue ink. I really couldn't make out what it said, if anything at all.  So I looked at it and wondered for a minute or two and then one of my co-workers walked in and said "Hi." to me.  I looked up and realized I had not grabbed the pages that had printed out and were waiting for me.   Without really thinking about it I stuffed that little yellow paper in the pocket of my pants, got my documents, and went on with my day.

That evening when I got home I took it out again to look at it more. I wondered what it was supposed to have noted on it, but still had no idea.  After I had looked at it for a bit and figured out nothing at all about it, I opened my desk drawer and put this piece of paper in the same clear baggy as the old white one. Closed it up again and put it back in the drawer. 

The next day I was off work, sometimes I got Fridays off.  I went out to my mail box and collected the mail. Sorted through it and read some and left the others on my desk unopened. Some was junk mail. The sort I tore up and tossed into the garbage. As I tore one of these pieces of mail up it made me think about the pieces of paper I had again. After I finished tearing the junk mail up and tossing it in the garbage I went back to my desk and sat down.  I took the little clear baggy out again and stared at the two pieces of paper in it. 

Something about them that I just cannot explain, it drew me to them as if I had kept them for a reason.  I had no idea why, still. I sat there for a while, rubbing my fingers over the plastic. I hadn't taken them out this time.

If you were to ask me what I was thinking then, I couldn't tell you. Nothing I could clearly tell anyone that would make any sense.  Sometime later, I put it away again and went about my day.

Over the next few weeks I began to notice more pieces of paper almost everywhere I went.  Most of them I picked up and put in my pocket. And later, when I was home and it was quiet, I sat at my desk with them, just going over them in detail and wondering about them.  Then adding them to what had become my odd little collection in the clear baggy.  At some point I began to think it might be important to remember where and when I had found each one of them. And so, I began a little book that dated and described in detail, each of these little finds of mine. Page after page with a date, a place and what, if anything, was on the paper I had found. Into the baggy it went and on to the next one I had found. Most days it was only one piece and I felt in control of it all, could keep it straight in my head where I had been and when, when I found the piece of paper that day. 

Eventually though, there were days where I was finding three and four pieces of paper in a day and pocketing them for later. I became obsessed with remembering later, exactly where I had been and the time of day and all of the tiniest details of the piece of  paper I found.  It got to a point where I decided, just naturally, that I ought to keep a little book with me to write it down when I found them, so I wouldn't forget by that evening, each of the details for each one. Each evening I sat down at my desk, took out the baggy that was filling rapidly with pieces of paper and I transferred my notes from the small book I kept with me into a larger one I kept in my desk. Pages and pages of information that I poured over time and again, hoping to see what I needed to see. Some sense to it all, some pattern that put this all together for me.  I became obsessed with figuring out what it all meant.  I knew I had found all of them for a reason. That reason just still eluded me.

On a rainy Sunday afternoon with nothing else to do, I sat down at the desk, cleared it off and took out the baggy of pieces of paper. I opened it and gently took out each piece and laid it out on my desk all of them side by side until I ran out of room and then started another row below the first, until they were all spread out in rows on my desktop. 

Then I opened my book of details and began to sort them to the order I had found each one, the little white one first and then the newer yellow one and so on until I was done putting them in order there. Then, with all of them spread out on my desk I looked at the whole collection of them.  I couldn't tell you how long I sat there with them and studied them. I really don't know. Eventually, I turned on the lamp on the desk so I could keep looking at them. Night had fallen, and there I still sat looking at them all.  Some were blank, some were torn and tattered, some were brand new looking. They came in all sizes and shapes, triangles squares, some ripped edges so they had no real shape at all.  So many different colors it was mind boggling.  So many different things on the ones that had things on them.  A squiggly line on one, a number on another, a date on another, some with a business logo, or a part of these things on some that were torn when I found them. Each had become so very important to me. And yet, I still did not know why.  

I spent more and more time with my little finds. Less and less time out with friends or doing anything other than detailing these and looking at them.  Pages and pages of notes about them. A book I studied over and over and over again on a daily basis now. On days I did not find a new piece I merely went over all the ones I already had again instead. 

Still, I had no more idea about them all than I had when I first started collecting them. The collection had grown to over 50 pieces in just over a month's time. I thought about them in bed before I fell asleep, and again in the morning as I woke up and got my first cup of coffee for the day.  

Friends began to wonder where I was keeping myself so much lately, I had started to decline invitations to parties or even just to go out for a movie or lunch or pretty much everything.  Somehow, I couldn't tell them about this thing that was so important to me.  It didn't really occur to me that it wouldn't make sense or seem rational to them. I just wanted to have it all to myself. So, I did not tell anyone about these pieces of paper for the longest time. They were mine and I wanted it to stay that way. They were a part of me that I just couldn't share with anyone.

So its that time of year again when I spend more money than I can afford to...So its a week and a half till Christmas and I'm already broke. Still got a few more people that I really want to buy things for yet so I'm going to have to use my dusty credit card that I swore I wouldn't use again, damn interest rates are like robbery but oh well... It's not like I'm not already in debt, right.
Regardless, I am still full of Christmas spirit now.  Got to buy presents for my granddaughter for her very first Christmas, including starting a tradition of buying her one special ornament for the tree each year, just for her.
That could be fun in the years to come as she grows older, she can help pick the ones she likes too. This years is a little pink rocking horse, really cute.
So much going on right now I'm not going to blog it all here. Main highlight is my son getting married to the mother of is baby on the 20th. Not a big special ceremony but just making things legal and wanting to prove to her that he really does want to spend the rest of his life with her.  That is going to be a special day for sure.
Christmas itself isn't going to be that big of a deal. I had already decided that, after the huge feast I footed the bill for at Thanksgiving, I'm going to lay low and just kick back for Christmas, not cooking a special meal or anything and people can come and go as they please, no big deal but it should be fun anyway.
So just a relaxing couple of days off from work...and its good, I don't have money to go do anything anyway lol.
Looking at my granddaughter's smiling little face is worth it all. Her smile melts me every time. And yea, she is only a baby this year but....upcoming Christmas's as she grows up, The whole Christmas celebration with a child is priceless and can't be beat :)

Another Saturday night and I aint....

Yea its been a couple of weeks since I posted, been busier than usual.
Turkey day went good. my brother, my sister and my sons all showed and relaxed and pigged out. And even still, there was a lot of leftovers. 

Work has been drama again, I really think its me rubbing someone the wrong way without meaning to and then things go all to hell... I'm not trying to do anything to upset this other person, I care about them, but they apparently see things quite differently than I do.  I can't change their point of view, tired of trying to be nice about it all.  So, I will be indifferent instead.   This person doesn't care what I think, so I won't care what they think from now on either. I talked about some of this a bit back in a different post so I won't repeat it here.  It's just time for me to let go of it all.   Do my job, mind my own business and just be the best me I can.  If that is a problem for someone else, it's their problem. Not mine. Gonna leave it at that .

I so much want to start Christmas shopping, got paid but it all went for rent and bills etc.  I know I will have a good Christmas bonus coming, I just don't know exactly when. Should be within the next couple of days coming up here.   Got several ideas of things I want to buy my grand baby...maybe I will have enough to get Everything I have in mind. I hope so.

My oldest called me yesterday and announced that he has asked is girlfriend to marry him and she accepted.
He made my day. I want more than anything for PITA to be happy and apparently he is. That's what really matters to me. He gave her a beautiful sapphire ring. She posted pics on Facebook for everyone to see and she is very excited.   In a way, if I look at her then its nice to see that my son can make someone else that happy too.  Its a win win situation IMO. So now i have 2 engaged sons, lets see which one gets married first lol

Things could be worse in my life and I know it. A lot worse so I am thankful for what I have and accept that, at least for right now, there are things I can't have.   Oh well. 

My granddaughter's smile just draws me to her so much.  Sometimes I irritate her mother because she is trying to get her to go to sleep and then I come talk to her and look at her and she smiles ear to ear for me.  I can't resist I just love her so much.    Such a beautiful little girl!

Well, just checking in for now. Hope you all are well and not going broke for the holidays yet...

Got this really odd mood that has come over me today.  Why? I don't, because I get more thoughtful and creative when I listen to music maybe. Because there are so many things going on that I have a lot on my mind, not sure. Probably just a little bit of everything all in one.
Thanksgiving is two days away, and it will be the first one Ive had without my mother in about 10 years, and even then I only skipped one when I was living in Omaha.
Things change, and I tell ya what, I don't feel like I will miss her this year, that's the odd thing. All the usual suspects will be coming to my place this year instead of OUR place (mom's and mine). She didn't want to make the trip down from Sac.  And I get the feeling its all going to be a lot more fun without her.  Yea, that sounded mean didn't it? But, she has gotten to the point that she judges me on EVERYTHING I do, don't do, or think or anything that I feel like maybe I will have more freedom to just be ME for a change, without worry.  Contemplating getting drunk this holiday too, haven't been drunk in years. But then, there is the fact that I have to work at 6AM the day after too.  Should be an interesting holiday if my sister doesn't get snowed in at home, I want to have fun with her and get goofy.
Other than that I've just been thinking about a lot of people I've known over the years.   Oddly, though, I don't keep in contact with almost any of them now.  Back of the mind I wonder if it was something I did to drive them away or...just time passed and we all just moved on.   Not spending a lot of time worrying about it though.  But thinking of some the people and things we did for fun is nice.
Work doesn't even bother me right now. I put in more time than I should, as always but its okay.
I somehow get the feeling that the coming year is going to have a lot of change involved in it. Probably a bit of both bad and good and a lot of adjustment on my part.  I don't usually do change very well.
I do see a lot of things that look promising about now too. Just a feeling really and I hope it lasts a long long time.

So it's Sunday night after a weekend that I'd rather forget. Except I got to see P yesterday. Never mind that while I was with him I spent almost $120 in the space of 2 hours.  I will live I guess, even though I couldn't really afford it.

For about 4 days now I've been in a lot of pain with my back and leg issues. The weather changed and a cold front came in. Now, no matter what I do, I'm in pain.  The meds don't cut it and if I tried stronger meds I wouldn't be able to work like I do now. So...pain until it decides to subside on its own I guess. Not much I can do except try to cope.

Work was irritating as hell this weekend, too many issues with too many stupid people and my lack of patience from being in pain didn't help at all.   All I can do is hope tomorrow is a better day all around.

I need to clean house before everyone comes over for Thanksgiving...but that's hard to do when I'm in pain. Going to have to hope I can get it all done in time.

I'd love to write more on the two short stories I have started but I just can't sit long enough right now and focus on fiction. So, some other time.

Random stuff...

So, I look at Bob a lot now. My brother gave him to me a week ago. He swims around his ten gallon tank all day and basically doesn't do a whole lot.. Oh the life. I would love to not have a whole lot to do for days on end, but then I'd probably get bored too, in like 2 days tops
Bob's day is highlighted at 6:30 in the morning.  I feed him then and he swims around excitedly. Goldfish really don't have much to do in a day. Mostly he swims back and forth and occasionally I hear a little blop as he hits the top of the water with his goofy looking fish mouth. At first I thought he was trying to escape or something, but I really doubt it. I mean, where would he go? Except to his death as he flops out onto the top of the dresser and then onto the carpet below.  Would I even notice right away? Doubtful, I get lost in work Every day and don't notice many things going on around me. Bob would be dead if he got out. But I often wonder; what does he think about all day long just swimming back and forth in that tank? He is the only fish in the tank, does he get lonely there all by himself? Or, is his thought process even evolved enough to think in terms of loneliness? Who knows what a goldfish thinks, or if it even thinks at all... No, I wouldn't want to be Bob after all.

I have seen a lot going on lately that bothers me. I mean at work mostly, so I really shouldn't go into details about these things.I only bring it up because I have come to the decision that it will be better for me to be ignorant of these things. People and things I object to, or want to understand more about...that's all fine but I have decided it might be better if I focus on my own job instead. Mind my own business really. So what if I think that my boss is being robbed by another employee, I can't prove it so...why say anything?  Ethically, I really do believe in looking out for things and saying something to my superior at work when I see things happen that are in my view wrong.  I guess that is the problem, its MY view and what I see as bad may not be so bad to another person, especially if I can't back it up with facts anyway.  So, leaving it a lone seems to be my best option here.  
I do feel that I have a strong moral sense of wanting to do what I feel is the right thing in any given situation.  But is my doing the right thing seen the same way by others?  Am I seen as meddling where I really don't belong instead of looking out for things?  I don't really know, and I think that, unless I want to face the answer, good or bad I should just back off and put on my dark shades and go about my own business instead.  So, that is what I have resolved to do about what is currently bothering me.
Maybe too, its a bit of self-preservation going. If I focus on my work and do as good a job as I can each day and stop looking at others, doesn't that show how serious I am about helping my company be the best it can be?  I think so. I could go and put lists of pros and cons and decide that way but I think in this case, I don't need to do that.  A lot of times that is a helpful way for me to decide on things but not needed this time around. I think it will be the right way in the long run,  that and I still sort of think that if something is wrong it will get figured out eventually and I won't have to be involved when it does. Not endangering me at all that way.  Doesn't mean I agree with it this way, or even like it but I still feel like its going to be the thing to do.

Maybe I worry too much about what other people think about me, but then, who doesn't want the approval of the people they spend everyday with?
I know I do want that approval, and that in the past, I have made it a hard thing with some of the people I work with.  I try to do what I see as the right thing but not everyone else sees what I do and say as the right thing too. Everyone is different. My problem I guess, is that while I am in the middle of something I don't always see how it can be a problem for someone else, reporting a problem or something done wrong at work for instance.   My view is that I want to have a problem corrected so I tell my boss about it.   My thought is that my co-workers see me as a snitch or something, that they are the ones who get into trouble for whatever it was that I told my boss about.  That wasn't what I was going for but it is often the end result. But then, if the boss discovers something wrong and I leave it alone..even knowing it was wrong...I get blamed for it just like everyone else when he sees it. If I saw the problem I don't want to be blamed for it and have it reflect negatively on me.  Most of the time when I see a problem, or something being done incorrectly, I know who is doing it. BUT that doesn't mean I give names when I discuss it with the boss. Maybe that is what others think, but I don't.  And when someone gets into trouble the person who was doing it wrong or whatever looks at me directly as the problem as to why they got into trouble or were reprimanded or whatever.  So what then, do I just let it go on until a customer sees it and discontinues using our services? Cal me crazy but I'd rather that not happen.  Keeps us all in a job if we look after things, regardless of consequences to others.
I've said before and will say again, I believe in treating others as I would like to be treated.  So if they perceive that I am treating them badly by reporting a problem that gets them into trouble, am I really doing the right thing?  I have my doubts but I also have my principals as well.  A strong sense of right and wrong and sometimes that over rides my need for approval by my peers. Good or bad, that's just the way it is.

Ok, I've talked that to death, you probably think, do what you want I don't care lol.   

Just one thing

I know, I already started one story back there someplace.... and I will get back to it again at some point but I'm in the mood to put down another idea I have now, tonight, for another story. So, that other goes on the back burner for a while. I already had an idea of what to do with it but lack the ambition for it at this point. Other ideas.
So, the idea this time was something like you see in that commercial about everyone going around doing something nice for one another, some insurance ad I think it is. Only this focuses in a bit more, and in my style not theirs.

Simple things...one good deed. My mom never told me if I did one good thing for someone every day I'd feel good about myself. She probably never thought about it, even when someone did something nice for her.  
Do you do nice things for people everyday? I mean, not just the person you're in love with, or your child who you love with all your heart and are supposed to take care of. But, the average person, whom you probably don't even know.  The old lady carrying groceries and trying to load them into her car all by herself. Would you stop and help her? Would you even notice her? 


Jake was walking down the street in his neighborhood, he had just gotten off the city bus, coming home from his friend's house. Headed home for dinner.  Walking down the sidewalk backpack slung over his left shoulder just whistling and watching his shadow as he walked. Wondering what was for dinner...
Next door to his place was a house where a single mom lived with her 5 year old son Alex. Jake didn't know them well. He had waved at Alex a time or two but the mother kept to herself a lot, didn't seem real friendly.  Jake approached their place now, his house just past it.  Alex sat on the front porch alone. It was nearing dark so it seemed odd to Jake that he would be outside by himself.  For a minute or so Jake kept walking, he looked at Alex, sitting there silently. Alex didn't even look up at him as he walked by. Was just staring at his dirty white sneakers and poking the cement of the front porch step with a small stick.  Jake was almost past their place to his when he decided to stop. 
"Hey Alex?"  he called over to the boy. 
"Where's your ma?"
As Jake looked and waited, Alex barely looked up at him but said nothing in response to the question.
His silence bothered Jake. Alex was usually an upbeat kid, and not usually quiet like this.  He began to wonder if something was wrong.  Jake stood there a moment longer and decided what to do.
"Alex?" he said as he turned and walked up the path to his neighbor's front steps. 
"What's going on buddy?" he said, "Where's your mom at?"
Alex looked up at him again and then stood up as he approached him now. Still didn't say anything.  All of the sudden Alex wrapped his arms around Jake and hugged him tightly.  Jake put his arm on Alex's back and asked him again what was wrong.  Jake hugged him a moment longer and then stopped and looked down at him.
Alex pointed at the house, "inside", was all he said.
Jake walked up to the front door and went inside, leaving Alex on the porch alone for a minute.   That was all it took, just a minute.  Inside he found Alex's mom laying face down on the floor. He called 911 and came back outside to Alex to wait for help. 
A short time later the police, and medical response had come and taken Alex's mother to the hospital and the police officers were ready to take Alex to someplace safe while his mother recovered from her heart attack. 
The officers told Jake it was a good thing he had stopped to help, the woman might not have survived if she didn't get help soon.  
Jake wondered how many people had walked by Alex sitting on that porch that evening and had not even noticed him sitting there alone, or saw him and had not even thought about it as they went by.

Dreams...

I don't know if dreams mean anything or not. They definitely are interesting though. I've had two recently that have been strange and I have been able to remember part if not all of them when I awoke.  That's different for me.  I've no idea why I dreamed what I did but I am going to put them down here to refer back to later.



The first one...
I am at an apartment where my mother lives having a conversation with her... I cannot remember what it was about but we got angry with each other. She got in her car and drove off. It was the same car she has now, old black ugly thing. Somehow I chase her, I was not in a car though.  She got onto a freeway and drove off.  I got as far as the freeway on ramp.   In the middle there was an upraised divider. I somehow ended up on that and was watching her drive away until her car was gone. I was up high above the cars and I could see them going by in both directions below me. I was there for a while and I began to wonder how I would get down.  I also worried that the highway patrol could see me there and I would be arrested but nothing seemed to happen. I began to feel like I was trapped there after a while, like I couldn't get down. And then I woke up.

The second one...
I am on the back patio of a friend, in their back yard. We are just standing around talking. I don't even know who the friend is or what we were talking about. Thirty feet or so away from me on this patio is a cat not quite full grown yet, maybe almost a year but still sort of looked like a kitten too. it was orange with white stripes. The orange was very bright orange though.  At first I just looked at it and went on talking to my friend.  Very quickly though, it began to rain, quick, heavy drops and it was a sudden downpour into a very heavy rainfall.  I looked over at the cat and it was suddenly very wet and pathetic looking and I told my friend I was going to go get the cat. It was drenched and being pummeled by the rainwater coming down.  It was staggering trying to walk towards me, struggling.   I started walking towards it and got about halfway there...and my alarm went off. It was time to wake up. 
 

Religious blathering

So, if you are one of those people who have it clearly in your mind that God is Everything and All Powerful blah blah blah, maybe you want to skip this....

It's not that I am an Atheist per se. I just have a problem with organized religions.  My oldest brother is a Christian, very devout, so he says. Goes to church a couple times a week and prays before each meal that whole thing. He believes in God, that he is the Father and all that stuff. 

I see religion as a way to say....well I can be forgiven for anything I do wrong, and I am a better person because I believe in something you don't believe in...And if anything happens its all in God's plan.  Well how the hell does anyone really know that? Because some old book says so? The same book that says some guy centuries ago turned plain old water into wine? Literally? Really? Come on.  That same said guy rose from the dead too? What is he a zombie? I just don't believe these things. 

Sure there are some good things in that old book, interesting stories and ideals.  Like the idea of treating others as you would want to be treated. I go for that myself, but it seems like so many Christians I see now days don't have a clue what that really means.  They treat you as a lesser person because you're not a follower of the same religion they are and its ok cause whatever they do wrong, God will forgive them and they get to go to Heaven, and I don't.   But then, Heaven is a whole other thing anyway.

Heaven and Hell, places that organized religion uses to get people to behave in the way they want them to.  If you're good you'll go to heaven and if you're bad you'll go to hell.  All these images have been conjured up over the centuries of what heaven is like and what hell is like, about angels and demons, God and the Devil.
How does an intellectual person buy into all of that? And yet, I know so many people who do buy into it. But I can't. 
I don't know if I could describe all the things I believe in a way that would make sense.  But I don't believe there is a God or the Devil. I don't believe in Heaven or Hell.  I do believe that the bible takes some of its "teachings" from our world's history.  Yes, I believe in evolution. There is so much evidence to support it, how could I not?  I don't know if the scientists have it all correct as to exactly how every species on earth, including man, evolved but there is so much more there that makes sense than a book that was put together centuries ago based on what some people were led to believe and stories that were told.
Hey, I don't knock religion, although it may sound like I do here.  If you're Christian or a Buddist or whatever, that's fine by me. I just don't happen to agree with it being the way for me to go in my life. 
It's not even so much the thing that I can't believe in what I can't see, because in my own inexplicable way I do believe in a higher power, watching over all we do each day.  But I don't believe it has the power to judge us and I don't believe it created us..In the beginning....

So, I guess I think that what guides me is that I get satisfaction from how I am each and every day. Was I kind to someone who was having a bad day, was I helpful to someone? Have I done what I can to make a positive impact in my own little circle of the world?  Small things, to be sure but to me, they are important.  I'm right with my world if I've treated YOU with the respect you deserve, and that is regardless of how you treated me today.   I don't think that gets me into a place called Heaven or anything like that. It just means I can sleep at night, comfortably, knowing I did what I felt was right.  And what's so wrong with that?
I'm just about done with this rant, I can just see what people I know would say if they read this...but hey I have the right just like they do, to believe what I do.  At least in this country I do. Pretty much.... I think that religious beliefs are something I like to avoid talking about because I know people don't like or approve of my views. I can say all I want that I support another person's right to believe what they want, but the moment I come out with what I believe, it makes me wrong.  Why is that? It makes me different, to be sure, but why wrong?  Just because they are so sure what they believe is right? Who says there is only ONE right? I sure don't.

Okay, enough blathering for tonight.

Playing along...

So, I haven't really decided if I have a subject name for this post.  Playing along? Games...  I don't know yet.
From time to time its something I think about.   The daily stream of life in general. People doing everything they do. And I get to wondering why about it all.   Yea I know, human experiences etc Relating, connecting to one another.  I get all that and yet I don't.  Hell, I participate in it everyday just like you all do. But do I really understand it? Not really.
People doing things they see as accomplishments. Running faster than someone else, jumping higher, scoring more points in a game. Making a movie and getting millions of dollars.  Participating in life, I know, but what's point of all of it? Being better than you or anyone, why should I try to be? What does it really matter? Is there a point to it?  We do things, or we don't do things and time passes and those things really don't matter. But what motivates us in the first place? Racing, competing, doing anything we do, is there a point to it all? If there is, I don't have any idea what that is. 
My thing is to survive in life, but surviving doesn't mean being better than the next person or doing anything to affect their life.  I play the game daily, at work mostly. I do what I do as quickly and as efficiently as I can. Some see me as really good at what I do, others, not so much. And the only thing that matters about it all to me is that I have the job the next day, next week, next month so I can continue to play the game.  I don't care if I'm better at what I do than others are, all I care about is if it gets me what I need to survive. And, maybe that is part of what everyone elses motivations are too.  But what makes them want to do things that don't help accomplish any specific goal in life? What causes them to enjoy playing a game and being better at it than someone else is? Why does it matter?
Part of my problem is, I think, that I don't see the answer to that.  I think about this little ball in space that we are on, each person doing many different things each day etc, and in the scheme of things it all means nothing really. Sometimes I choose not to participate because I just don't see a point to it.  To me, people are self absorbed and out for themselves. It really doesn't matter to me.
Like this blog I'm writing now, its not for you.  You can read it if you choose to or not, I don't care. It's just reflections of what goes through my mind at any given time. Things that don't matter to anyone else and are not really important at all.  I can do this, or not do this, really makes no difference does it?
I'm not nuts or depressed or anything like that. I participate when I need to.  Do what I have to to survive and all. Even do things to please others on occasion. But I don't have to.  I don't have to do anything really. No one does.
I know, this sounds really down and depressing to think that anyone doesn't need to do anything to contribute to society in general. But its what people choose to do on a daily basis and I wish I could understand it better.
People do foolish looking things that have absolutely no meaning, and then show it to others. What for? It just makes no sense to me at all.

I say all of this and yet, other days, like the one when I created this blog, I say that I want to know why people do what they do. The difference being not trying to understand the big picture and how futile it all is, but understanding the person. What they want in life and learning about their stories. So, I guess in my own odd way I do care, or am at least curious. I can show compassion when I need to, and I can understand others when they want me to, or need me to.  But one day I'd really be interested in picking just one person who did something major, be it a good thing or bad, and just learning about why they did it and if they thought at all about the effect of their action on those around them. Or, if it was done to someone, why they did it to them and what they expected the outcome to be. Or, if they even thought about these things at all. That, and checking out the ripple effect. Because that is usually a major thing. 
Enough for now. If any of this even makes any sense... I will read it over again later and see what I think.

What an exhausting week. I wish it was Friday evening instead of Thursday evening now.  More and more I wish I could be away from the stress of my job. I guess, in reality I could just quit, but then, what would I do. No money to take care of myself and the kids. That just doesn't work, unfortunately.  Most days i am good at my job. But, it seems that I have these little problems where something seems to go wrong just when the boss is watching. I'm just one of those lucky people, I guess.
I didn't to this blog tonight to complain though, I guess I just have so much on my mind I wanted to vent a bit.  I already had a good cry, yesterday after what was a really bad day.  And, this morning, when I was doubting I should be any where near my job. Wondering why I still have one really.  Maybe I should just not question it and learn to let go of things much quicker than I do now.  I have what I have and its a lot more than many other people have, I should just be grateful for it.  Yes, life is complicated sometimes but it is what it is. You either deal with it, or you don't. I know I will regardless. If only I weren't so tired right now, it might be easier to be more optimistic than I am.  Maybe some sleep will help. And an easier day tomorrow would be nice too...


I am thinking about a lot of things, maybe I will blog about them, maybe not but not tonight.  Right now, bed just sounds so good. Sleep...

Gone...more

Music softly playing, sounded like from another room, she couldn't be sure yet.  The room was dark and she was lying down on something soft. The music was gentle and calming, but not like anything she had ever heard before.  As Annie woke up it was this music that calmed her. She was in a dark place that was not at all familiar to her, and yet she was not really scared. 

In the darkness Annie sat up and realized she had been laying on a bed. It was comfortable but she wanted to find her mom and dad now. She wanted to know where she was, not to sleep more. The music played on, Annie put her feet on the floor and her hands out in front of her to guide her in the darkness.  She took several steps and realized she had come to a wall. Still completely dark in this room she was in. She wanted to find the door. Annie ran her hands along the wall trying to feel for anything different. For a minute or so it was just walls. And then she found a door frame and then the door knob.   She grasped this but it would not turn, and the door would not open for her.

Now, despite the calm music, Annie did begin to panic. She wanted to be someplace not dark and scary, she wanted her mom and dad too. She tried the door knob again and still it wouldn't turn.  Annie hit her hand on the door now several times. "I want out," she said. This was answered with silence. The music stopped playing but no one answered her.  The darkness was enveloping her and it really scared her now. No calm music and no one coming to let her out.  She hit her hand on the door a couple more times and said again, "I want out. " It stayed quiet and dark.

Annie walked past the doorway and felt her way along the wall again.   After several more minutes of slowing moving in the dark, her hands came upon a rougher surface on the wall. She wasn't sure of what it was, just that it wasn't as smooth as the rest of the walls. Had she been able to see it, she would have found it was a board over a window, to cover it.  In the darkness though, she had no idea what it was and so she went on with her hands along the wall. Hoping to find something, anything, to get out of this place.

As she continued on Annie came to another doorway, on the opposite side of the room from where the first door had been. She found the door knob for this door now. Tried to turn it and, surprisingly this door knob did turn in her hand.  She turned it as far as it would go and tried to open the door, first by pulling on the knob, which didn't work. And then by pushing the door away from her.   This worked.   She had hoped to find light in this next room as she pushed the door open.  Instead, she found more darkness.  She went through the doorway regardless, not knowing what she might find in yet another dark room. 

Just a Wednesday night

So, I have talked to a person or two in my family since I last posted here. Going to be a bigger deal at Thanksgiving than I thought it would be.  Apparently everyone wants to come here since they know I'm going to be here and cooking...something lol A gathering for just my brother and I has turned into a gathering for at least 9 people now.  You can bet I'm planning on delegating things so I don't have to buy and fix it all. Being fair about this... Going to be a busy interesting day.

I'm STILL working on getting rid of this crud I've had for over a week now. It makes it hard to work with it but I did today anyway. Only lost my voice once while talking to a customer, not bad!

I, like a lot of people, I'm sure, had spent a lot of time since last night watching the rescue of the Chilean miners. All 33 of them are up now and its been a fantastic thing to watch, the family reunions, the idea that they are all fairly healthy looking despite being underground for so long. And the pride that country feels now at having brought them all up alive.  A toast to Chili for that.  Its been crazy but looks like they finally ended the drama and made a lot of people happy.  That's a nice thing to see in the news for a change. My local news is just more about gang violence, people getting hurt and all that is wrong with my little slice of the world. Maybe that was why I was so drawn to the miners being rescued.  Something that was good news for a change. Happy people who did what they could to make a good outcome for these men.  

I have had more time to think also, about the story I started a few days ago, and haven't done any more work on yet.  I like the shape it is taking in my mind.  So, I may do a bit more with it in the next couple days. Getting to where I'm not sick anymore has been a slow process and I haven't had energy to do anything at all.

This is just a normal night of the week, there isn't anything special going on. I called my brother and broke the news to him earlier that its going to be a lot more than just he and I for Turkey day.  He, at least, offered to come early and help with stuff.  I took him up on it lol. 

I've got a quiet time right now. I'm the only one home and no one expects anything of me. Just the way I like it. I have already grown used to having my own space again. It had been years since I could say that.  I didn't have my own room, I slept on a couch and had no privacy. But standing up and doing something about it finally, has paid off.  I think that if anyone were to ask me if I wanted to live with my mother again...that would be a cold day in Hell lol.
I don't hate her or anything, but I like the idea that I can be an adult and not be judged on every thing I do, or don't do that she does not approve of. It's my life, not hers and I finally get to enjoy it without her standing over me passing judgement or getting into my things all the time. What is seen as a more normal life really.   I can actually be sick and have a place to sleep whenever I need to, not in a living room and waiting for everyone else to go to bed at night or anything like that any more, so that I can have peace and quiet to rest.  Nice.

I've been missing B though. Having to give him up was a choice I had to make to gain my freedom here.   I think I will always regret that part of it.  At least he has a new home and is safe and well cared for. That is the good part of it.  I will always love him and I have pictures still for good memories of him.  I have had to make myself move on from my life with him.

So, my quiet little life here.   As I said in my profile, sometimes I think too much and act too little. I like the quiet, and I hope to be able to let a part of me that has been caged up for far too long, out of the cage a little at a time. Until, one day I'm doing what I wanted to do years ago. I'm not ready to say just what that was. Nothing bad I promise. But I need to learn to be free again. I haven't known that feeling for a very very long time now.  One step at a time, like so many other things in life. 


I've dribbled on enough for one night.

So, the story I started last time, I will get around to more if it later. But its' not your everyday story like it might appear to be. More later though.

I've been still sick with this crud that has been making me cough up my lungs. And, I've been watching baseball over the last few days.   I'm an oddity I think, living in CA and going for ATL in the games against SF.  Hard to make sense of but I just love those guys from ATL, not much else I can say about it.   The games have been exciting, my sis calls me and we talk about each game, she from her SF loving perspective, me from my ATL loving perspective. Makes for interesting discussions since the games have been so close and so competitive between the two teams. Maybe I don't really care so much who wins, I just love the games that have been played so far.  Nuff said, this wasn't going to be a sports blog tonight.

The idea that today was a holiday was interesting to me. I don't think our co has taken this day as a holiday before. Our clients didn't think so either.  Tomorrow should be a fun mess due to the amount of client contact that went unanswered today. A day where we are bound to have grumpy people to talk to.  But hey, everyone has a bad day sometimes, right?  I can just imagine the thoughts running through their head as they called for the 2nd or 3rd time and no one called them back.   Only one client had the thought (after their 3rd call) that hey, it's Columbus Day, maybe you guys aren't there today?  

Started making plans for the holidays over this past weekend. Finding out who is doing what and wants to go where. So far it looks like I'm getting to stay home and that is fine by me.  No idea beyond one of my brothers, who is coming here to hang out with me. But there is still time to get that all figured out before Turkey Day. If I do a turkey that is. Haven't decided on that yet either. More later on that soon here.

Gone

Sitting on the back porch steps. It's a rainy day and there is nothing to do. At six she really didn't understand why no one was playing with her today. Just that she wanted to do things.  Go to the park, play with Janie next door, go see a movie with Momma, anything except sitting here watching the rain.  Momma was busy in the kitchen and Daddy had gone off to do something, she wasn't sure what.

Out in the rain she spotted her ball, laying on the wet grass, getting wetter as it rained.  Not thinking about getting wet she decided to go get it. She wasn't wearing a jacket or anything to keep her dry, Momma had said not to go out in the rain, "You'll get wet." she had said. Annie didn't think about that now, she got up and went down the three steps from the back porch and walked out onto the grass to get her ball.  As she approached the ball, bushes at the back of the yard rustled. At first she didn't see that, or hear anything, other than the rain that was coming down fairly heavy now.

She bent down and picked up the ball and when she stood up straight again, something caught her eye.  Bushes at the back end of the yard. They seemed to be moving as if it were really windy. Despite the rain there really wasn't much wind. Annie stood, in the rain, staring at the bushes and wondering what was making them move so much. All the bushes around that were still.  As she watched, they moved again, and she caught a glimpse of something blue within them.  Her curiosity peaked and, still holding her ball, she walked towards the bushes to see what was there.

A few steps away from the bushes she heard her mother's voice behind her.  "Annie! Come back here and get out of that rain.  I told you not to get wet!"  Momma didn't sound happy.  So, she turned around and ran for the back steps. A moment later she was inside and Momma was drying her hair with a towel, telling her she had to get out of those wet clothes right away.


A little while later she sat on her bed, dry and warm again, the bushes outside were forgotten now. She wanted Momma to read her a story. Momma promised to do that for her if she would try to take a nap after wards.  Annie said she would and so she got the story she wanted.  She drifted off to sleep a short time later, thinking about the story she had been told. 

The next day the rain was gone, Annie wondered about why it rained. She didn't know but she decided that the rain was not fun. It kept her inside and she couldn't do what she wanted to do. She didn't care about getting wet, but Momma seemed to.

Daddy was home today, this made her happy. She loved to play with Daddy, he always made her laugh and gave her lots of hugs.  She asked if she could have some ice cream and Daddy, who almost always said yes, did just that today. They got into the car and Daddy drove to the ice cream place that he always took her to. She could pick whatever she wanted and today the flavor was chocolate.

She sat in a chair just outside the ice cream shop licking her chocolate ice cream, not really thinking about anything at all, except how good it was. Daddy had gone back inside to get some napkins for her.  Annie didn't see the man in the parking lot watching her. He sat in a car that she wouldn't have been able to tell anyone what it was, just that the color was green. If she had seen him, but she didn't.   The man sat behind the wheel and stared at her.  Daddy came back with the napkins and the man in the car looked in a different direction, hoping no one would see he had been staring at the little girl outside the ice cream shop.

For several days after that, he followed whenever Annie went someplace. At a safe distance, in hopes of not being noticed by anyone.  He even watched her house when she was just at home.  If you were to ask him why he watched Annie, he probably couldn't have given a good reason, except that she was cute and he was drawn to her in some odd, unexplainable way.  He thought about the little girl almost constantly.  He had never talked to her or touched her or even approached her. But she consumed his thoughts, just the same. Such a beautiful, innocent little girl, he couldn't help himself.

A trip to the grocery store two days later.  Annie wandered away from her Momma. She wasn't thinking about Momma, she saw bright labels and food she liked, she was just looking at them as she wandered..  Hadn't even noticed yet that Momma wasn't still right nearby. And her Momma, busy talking with the neighbor lady in the aisle where the cereal boxes were, hadn't yet noticed that Annie wasn't still right near her.  By the time she figured it out, and went looking, Annie was no where to be found. She was frantic, the store manager had most of the employees looking for her too.  No one found her inside the store or out in the parking lots around it.  Police came and made a report, got a picture of Annie and told her mother they would do everything they could to find her.

Finally

Yea I know, everyone is glad it's finally Friday.  That very much includes me this time around.   Most of the time I don't really care but, this week has been hard.  Got some sort of bug that's going around and I feel like crap.  It will be nice to have a long weekend where I don't have to worry about coughing when I talk to people on the phone. And then I get to sleep, which is all I have really wanted to do anyway. 
I could go on about my week at work but I think I will pass on that, it's over I'm all for letting it go now.  I still have had a chance to think about people and the way they act in any given situation.   And I really wish I knew more about some of the people I interact with. Mainly at work. Can never tell I call someone if they are going to be friendly, or if they are going to try to bite my head off.  Hazard of the job though, I guess.

Maybe I just wonder about the stories that each person's life tells. I don't know hardly any of those stories but I would like to. Maybe the person I talked to was having a bad day, and another person was in a good mood because it's a Friday before a long weekend.  I'd love to be able to take a look at people's lives to understand better. 

Another of the things I like is writing. Fiction and poetry. It has been a long time since I wrote anything I felt was any good, but maybe I will do some of that here on occasion and see how it goes. Even if it's not any good, it's the act of writing that I love, thinking and making that connection between the hands and the brain and using my imagination. What could be better? It's easy and it's free(mostly) and it's a great way to pass the time. It's an added plus that sometimes I learn more about myself along the way.

 So if I were to write tonight what would I write about? Well, I like to think about how other writers got their ideas to spin such interesting stories. That and taking apart the pieces to see how they construct them as well.  I think my main problem is that I come up with what sounds like an interesting idea for a story and I start it and then I end up not knowing where to go with it.  And I worry if I have put in enough details to draw and keep the reader's interest in my characters. Something I want to work on.. and I've got a few good days off coming up now so I will have the chance to do that.

Another

So, recently I posted a blog about all being good at the end of the day...wish that was how I felt about this day but it's not. Today was a day better forgotten.
I went to sleep sick last night and so I was still sick this morning. Hacking up my lungs, headache, body aches, the works.  It was a very work intensive day on top of that, wore me out.   Grumpy bosses that demand things their way but that seems to change, as it did again today. Leaves me frustrated and sometimes confused as to just how I will ever please them. I'm thinking it's just not possible at this point.

All of my frustration at work today encompassed several aspects of the job and left me with a lot to think about tonight.  I know I am far from perfect, but I feel as if I am expected to be just that, perfect.   Instead I am human. That's all I can be.  I can try hard, and I usually succeed at what I do, but there are days, like today, where not everything goes as planned.  It was one of those days I should have stayed in bed, but knew I couldn't do that.

Really though, this is all along the same thread, people, my relationships with them and the way they do the things they do.  I'm too tired to dive into this in too much detail tonight, so I won't be doing that here.

I guess all I can hope for is a better day tomorrow. Less frustrations, and me feeling more healthy than I did today. It wasn't fun and I'm exhausted from it all. 

My good note for the day was going to A's house tonight to visit for a few.  He and B were home and I was glad to see them again.  Was pretty much the main good thing that happened today.   S sent me a new pick of my granddaughter and I love that.  The rest of the day was forgettable, so that is what I'm going to try to do, forget it.  Learn what I can from it, and forget the rest. And hope for a better day tomorrow. We'll see what happens.
 

All's good at the end of the day...

So, today was an interesting day. Eventually figured out what was going on with work this afternoon and it's all back on track...pretty much, I guess.

My happy time was tonight. I spent time with A for the first time in a while now and it was relaxing and fun, a lot like it used to be with him. Neither of us brought up a lot of the past, except I did talk to him about grandma some. It told him something he didn't know and made a difference in how he had been viewing my behavior. I think it helped really.

I knew there had been stress around the subject of Bo too, but B mentioned cats and I told her all about what happened with Bo, so she could tell A. Took away the awkwardness of the situation and A will know it was all resolved in a good way in the end.  Something else we can put in the past and move on from now.
Dinner was great and it was so nice to see his smile and listen to his jokes again, it had been too long. I really missed him.  B was actually pleasant to me too and it was a comfortable meeting, hadn't had that for a while now.

I think I'm learning to navigate with A now and I'm so grateful that it's happening finally. The estranged and angry thing from him actually hurt a lot after all the years of being close. It's nice to see that he realizes I still love him and he is becoming ok with that again.

The idea of the blog..looking around at people, and myself. This fits it well.
It's okay to look at people I don't know but if I get a chance to examine my own relationships and understand them better, that's a definite plus.

A is one of the people I care most about in this world and to have him back in my life again means so much to me I don't know how to put that into words. I guess time does heal wounds, even though I never really have understood what exact wounds I caused. What is important is that they were wounds he felt I had caused him and he needed time to heal from them a bit before we could interact again.  That pained me, I missed him, I missed how things used to be between us. 

I'm not really one to take things for granted, I tend to notice and appreciate what I have, and earn it.  One of my pet peeves has always been the sense of entitlement people have at times.  They get something given to them and they just assume they deserve whatever it is that is handed to them. Often so much so they forget to say thank you and appreciate the person(s) who gave it to them.  That's so not me and I think those who have so much and don't take the time to realize where it came from and appreciate it, are somehow walking around feeling like they are better than anyone else.  I've seen far too many people like that and it saddens me because they don't learn how to share.


We are all parts of a whole on this planet.  We coexist, or at least we are supposed to.  So, what does hatred get us? Why do we hate others who are so much more like us than we often realize. We are all part of the human experience, collectively or separately. That is why I try so hard to understand others, their lives their reasoning, their mistakes, their triumphs their failures.


I honestly do not judge others. I do my very best to keep an open mind about someone.  I can form opinions but I, at the same time, realize that the opinion is based solely on what I know about a person.  There is ALWAYS a lot more about them that I don't know. If I look at a situation with anyone in that way, I realize that there is no way I can judge someone wrongly because I just don't know...  That and the fact that everyone does what they do for a reason. 


Whether what they do is socially acceptable or not, there is always a reason. Even if they don't know themselves what it might be.


That to me, is what makes the human experience so interesting, differences from one person to the next and their lives and morals and ideals, dreams and hardships and victories, no matter how small.  As I said, everyone has a story to tell. Even if they don't want to tell it.

This morning

So so far this morning I'm about half awake and wondering what is happening. I hate being on the back end of the work on the weekends, leaves me in the dark as to what the other person is doing.  And, apparently everyone else is in the dark about it too.  I get questions about what is going on and I don't have answers.  Oh well, not much I can do about it.

I feel like I could use another 8 hours or so of sleep but that's not happening. Last night I started this new blog by talking about people sort of, and my self as well.  It's too early for me yet to have deep thoughts lol.  So, I'm not going to continue that same thread until later today, if I find time. I always have things on my mind, wondering about people, just like I am currently wondering about my co worker. So many questions that I know I'm not welcome to ask her. Would probably just piss her off.

At least it's Saturday and I don't have to work all day today, one of the very few days I don't. I don't have any plans for the day either. Seems contradictory to say in one paragraph "if I find time" and in the next to say"I don't have any plans for the day" but time just seems to fly by and before I know it the day is over and I have usually accomplished very little.  Goes with what I said about all the things I know I could be doing or should but I just don't. 


Shortly here I am going in search of breakfast and some coffee, both of which I know I will find.  I get all my coffee free and I love that fact. And I definitely need to wake up. I haven't decided on what breakfast will be though. 


There are enough things that I need to do at this point that I could have a day full, only problem is that my boss did not pay me yesterday and most of the things take money to do them.   If he hasn't paid me by Monday I need to ask him about it. My rent will be late and the bills all need to be paid and Monday is my oldest son's birthday as well.  Seems like almost every month my boss leaves me wondering when I will get paid and stressing about things that need to be done with the money. Also wondering if I will have any left to last me the month....I usually don't.


Such is life. I need coffee. Be back later...

A different perspective - a different day

The premise of this blog is something simple and I'm sure not at all unique. I just wanted a place to put down random thoughts on random days.  I have a lot of things going on in my life some days, others not so much.  The idea of putting them all someplace where I can go back and read them later just appealed to me.  As I said, not at all unique, but helpful to me regardless. 

I know that people go through a range of emotions and events in their daily lives and I thought this would be a good place to record mine. 

I'll start simple just for tonight, and work my way in as I go...

My days are mostly filled with work, more hours a day and more days a week than I want to work but I have a mountain of bills each month and rent and responsibilities to keep up with...so I work.  I dare say it hasn't left me with all that much time or energy to have much of a personal life, but then there are more reasons than just work for that. Another blog for another time though...

I don't see myself as anyone special, or unique but I do believe that I'm not less or more of a person than anyone else on the planet. I don't feel like I have any special talent that sets me apart from anyone else either.  But, in my own way I do feel unique, because I know that each and every one of us is just that. Unique.


I've spent my life looking at people and what they do and in some cases don't do. Trying to understand them and wanting to know more. I'm one of those that believes that each and every one of us has a story to tell, maybe they just don't all realize it. I know some do though. 


And yet, I don't really spend much time looking at myself. I don't do all the things I mean to do, or know I should.  I let myself talk myself out of things that might be good for me or new or interesting if I tried them.   Do I feel self-centered writing about me?  Yes, but its about time I quit that. Why not think and write about me? No one else will. :)